I wanted to come near you and hear your heartbeat. I wanted to tell that in the end everything will be ok. I wanted to tell you that I'll always be here for you, even though you pushed me away. But I haven't got the courage to do that. I walked right past you and never looked back. I avoided facing my feelings because it was easier for the moment. Now I'm in pain. Everything I do reminds me of you and everytime I think that I can start over, my feelings for you turn on and from that moment on I depend on them.
Whenever I do something, I try to picture what you would think about it. Would you approve it? But you are so long gone, so these thoughts that burn my brain are pointless and they are a never ending story. I basically seek approval in a person that I haven't seen in ages.
Sometimes I imagine the moment that I'll see you again. I imagine you running towards me, hugging me, kissing me. I get butterflies in my stomach. They are eating me inside out. They destroy me and my happiness. My heart is stuck on you and there's no way to change that. Or at least I haven't found one yet.
I watch the sky at night. I admire the moon and I count the stars and I can't help to not hope that maybe you are doing the same thing. Maybe our counting sincronizes and combined they would sound like a poetry. Maybe I'm crazy to think that you do the same, maybe not.
I hear the song you played me the first time we met everytime I sit in silence. It makes my knees weak and it makes my tears come out to play. I can't breathe, I can't think, I can't move. All I do is feel the pain and praying that one day I will be immune to it. But since then, I have to survive every single fight that you start in my heart.
I burnt everything you ever gave me, except that black tee I stole from you. I wear it all the time and I try to imagine you wearing it. Your shoulders, your arms, your back, your abs... They've touched it and now it is touching me. I know it sound silly, but I feel like that connects us somehow. Like a part of you is right here next to me.
I deleted all of our pictures. Yet, every single day I try to find at least one of them lost in my computer. I want to see the sparkle in my eyes whenever I was with you, I want to see the way you used to hold my hand, I want to see you kissing me, I want to see what we had.
And I can't help but wonder if you ever think about me. Do you ever wake up and hope that I'm sleeping right next to you? Do you ever hear my voice when you're alone? Do you ever feel my touch when you feel down? Do you ever wonder how would it be if you never left?Do you ever burst into tears because you miss me? Do you ever see the ghost of me?
It's been 4 years and I'm feeling weaker than ever. I feel like I had hit rock bottom. I feel my whole body slowly giving up on the hope that one day it will finally feel the happiness again. I feel my heart beating slower and slower. Nothing turns my interest on, nothing makes me smile, nothing makes me want to wake up in the morning. My young self would be dissapointed in me because she swore she'd never let anyone affect her this much. But what did she know? She was just a kid counting the starts, hoping that one of them will be her's forever. If she only knew how wrong she was...
